With a Twinkle in Your Eye

by Rabbi Mordechai Rhine

Perhaps the greatest gift that Yakov bequeathed to his family is the gift of group dynamics. In the quest to achieve greatness in Torah and mitzvos, Yakov’s expectation was that not everyone will excel in everything. Instead, as a team, we will partner to success. Thus we find that the tribe of Gad were known as warriors, and were therefore positioned at the border for purposes of defense. The tribe of Asher were farmers, known for the olives they produced. Yissachar produced great scholars, and Zevulun’s descendants were merchants, positioned at the harbor, finding success in trade and commerce.

The strategy Yakov employed in raising his children and encouraging each of them to find his role as part of the whole was probably the result of a painful tragedy which occurred to him.  According to the commentaries, the original plan was for Yakov and Esav to be partners. Yakov would be the dedicated scholar, while Esav would be in charge of finance, defense, and diplomacy. Unfortunately Esav opted out. He did not want to live his life dedicated to the higher calling of his father Yitzchak and grandfather Avraham. As a result, Yakov was left to fill all the roles necessary to create the Jewish family. He was determined that the next generation would succeed at group dynamics, each individual developing his or her potential as part of a greater whole.

It is this balance of unity and individualism which sustained the Jewish people through the exile of Mitzrayim, and it is the same balance which provides success in every generation. Perhaps this is why the “Shovavim” weeks (an acronym for the parshiyos of Shemos through Mishpatim)dedicated to rejuvenate the Jewish home, correspond to the weeks in which we read the Torah portions of exile, redemption, and building of the Mishkan/ Sanctuary. Shovavim is not just about the halachos of Niddah and Mikvah, it is also about Shalom Bayis, and how husband and wife make their own unique contributions – and appreciate the contribution of the other- to create their Torah Home.

I once heard a story of a Rabbi who was sitting on a plane and was approached by a man who exclaimed with a tinge of disdain, “Hey, are you a Rabbi? Well, I always felt that religion can be simplified into one key phrase: Love your neighbor as yourself.”

The Rabbi asked him what his profession was. When the man replied that he was an Astronomer, the Rabbi exclaimed, “Oh, you know, I always thought that all of astronomy can be simplified into one key phrase: Twinkle, twinkle, little star.”

Of course, there is to astronomy, religion,  and any worthwhile endeavor, more than meets the untrained person’s eye. One of the greatest challenges in partnering towards any endeavor is appreciating the contribution of others. Since one partner is not proficient in the areas that the other contributes, it is more difficult to appreciate what went in to making “it” happen. For example, imagine a typical man who sits down to a dinner. He may realize in a general way that the food was made by his wife in the kitchen, but, if he never cooked he will does not truly appreciate the  amount of time, effort, and expertise that went in to making the dishes he is enjoying. He says, “Thank You,” but his wife knows that he doesn’t understand the half of it.

Appreciation is a key element in the success of any partnership. In ensures that each partner values what the other contributes. Expressions of appreciation also nurture the partner and give him or her the strength necessary to continue contributing. If we fail to nurture the contributor, we risk a diminished or lost contribution.

The story is told of a farmer who had a horse, in a town that no one else had a horse. This horse was quite a celebrity because when the townsfolk needed to get medicine from town, they would ride this horse. When they needed a wagon pulled, they used this horse.

One day, the horse died.

The townsfolk were so saddened by the horse’s death that they decided to have a funeral for it… with eulogies. They gathered, and after the Mayor spoke, the owner got up to speak. He said, “You all know what a great contribution the horse made to our community. He was dedicated and devoted. But what you don’t all know is that he was very accommodating as well. You see, usually an owner has to feed a horse, and it can get very expensive. But this horse was truly accommodating. For the last six months I have weaned it off food. Each week I fed it just a little bit less until, the week before it died, I had it down to eating almost nothing. And then it died…”

That farmer failed to express his appreciation to his horse, so his horse ended the “partnership” in a most dramatic way. The starting point for success in all partnering and group dynamics is to develop a sense of appreciation for the contributions that your partners make. This means saying, Thank You!” regularly regardless of how small, insignificant, or intangible the contributions may seem to you.

Everyone can use a compliment. Everyone can use a little nurturing. You may not truly understand what the other has done because his or her field is not your field–be it astronomy, cooking, mowing the lawn, doing the taxes, driving carpool, etc. But knowing that you don’t truly understand, you can, with a smile on your face and a twinkle in your eye, give a heartfelt “Thank You!”

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