by Rabbi Mordechai Rhine

The nine days of mourning, which culminate with Tishah B’Av, are a time of mourning for the loss of the Beis Hamikdash. During these days we mourn not only the physical loss of the Beis Hamikdash, but also the loss of the special love relationship that we once had with Hashem.

The Talmud tells us that the reason the Beis Hamikdash was destroyed was because of the story of Kamtza and Bar Kamtza. The Talmud relates that Kamtza was a god friend of a certain man who was making a special party. Accidently, an invitation was sent to a man with a similar name: Bar Kamtza. And so, Bar Kamtza came to the party thinking that he was invited. At the party the host forcefully objected to his being there and asked him to leave. Bar Kamtza offered to pay for his meal, even for half or all of the entire festive event, but the host did not agree. Instead the host insisted that Bar Kamtza leave because he was not invited.

The Talmud says that the pain and embarrassment caused to Bar Kamtza at that time eventually resulted in the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash.

There is, I believe, a thought provoking idea which we must consider.

“Was the host right?”

What I mean to ask is, in the laws of financial matters (Choshen Mishpat), was Bar Kamtza entitled to eat his meal, now that he found out that he really wasn’t invited. Can the host be forced to relinquish ownership on the food that he owns to an uninvited guest just because the guest offers to pay?

If we consider the situation from a purely legal standpoint it is possible that the guest is not entitled to thrust himself on the host, and that the host is not obligated to strike a deal even if the non-guest offers to pay.

However, what I believe the Talmud is teaching us is that situations cannot be approached from a purely legal perspective. What Hashem taught us by destroying the Beis Hamikdash is that while you might be within your legal rights to insist that an uninvited guest should leave… if you do insist, and embarrass him, then you don’t deserve a Beis Hamikdash.

This principle of going beyond the strictly legal perspective finds its mark in many areas of life. In legal issues, for example, a court is obligated to encourage a compromise rather than settle arguments according to the strict legality of the issue. Allowing people to settle sets the tone for future positive relationships.

Likewise, in relationships, a (former) friend of yours may feel that he/she is entitled to an apology for something you did or did not do. After consideration you may have concluded that they are not legally entitled to anything at all. You might very well be right. To expect you to apologize may not be fair and it may not even be honest. But sometimes a good natured apology is the price we pay for peace.

One of the first things a student driver is taught is to be a sensible driver. Just because you have the right of way doesn’t mean you must exercise that right. As one drivers-ed teacher explains it, “If someone pulls out illegally in front of you, he is wrong. But you still must slow down. If you hit him you will be right: Dead Right!”

A friend of mine told me that he has a “Shalom” bank account. He explained that he mentally puts $1,000 a year in “escrow” for challenging interactions that occur throughout the year. During the course of the year he finds that occasionally he is odds with a client or family member about financial responsibility. When that happens he “chalks it up” to the Shalom account, absorbing the expenditure for the sake of peace.

As we approach Tishah B’Av let us remember that there are cases that you may be legally right. But there is a better way. Peace has a price. Sometimes it is a financial price; sometimes it is emotional. But one who is willing to see beyond the legalities and pay the price will be blessed and invigorated. Such a person is a builder… a builder of the Beis Hamikdash.

With best wishes for a good Shabbos, and a meaningful Tishah B’Av.

© 2014 by TEACH613