Divide and Conquer

by Rabbi Mordechai Rhine

Torah Judaism places much emphasis on financial law. Of the ten volumes in a contemporary set of Shulchan Aruch, (dealing with prayer, holidays, mezuzah, kashrus, matrimony, finances, and so much more) a complete three of the ten volumes are devoted to financial law. Yet, as important as law is in resolving conflict, Jewish law recognizes an important human component. Even if one litigant is totally correct from a legal perspective, there is usually an element of perceived validity to the arguments of the other person.

Thus Halacha encourages a level of understanding and compromise to be a higher level resolution to conflict than strict law. As Moshe explained to his father-in-law, Yisro, “I judge between people; between a man and his friend.” The Midrash explains: Sometimes “I judge between people,” this refers to judgment by the law. “Between a man and his friend,” refers to the judgment that includes a degree of understanding and compromise. Even though one or the other is the dominant “winner” because of some conciliatory concession they are able to leave the judgment as friends.

The Shulchan Aruch (12:2) therefore states that a court that encourages compromise to mitigate the law is to be praised. Even though the result is that perfect legality has not been served, there is a distinct benefit to mitigating the law with a degree of compromise. As the Sema (8,9) explains, “It is better that a person should give a bit to the other litigant, so that in return he can preserve (or gain) a friend.” By acknowledging another person’s perspective one can still overwhelmingly “win” but can do so with sensitivity.

Interestingly, while we all assume that we want to win, the reality is that certain wins can be to our own detriment. Certain wins can be perfect examples of short term gain but long term loss, as we may lose a contact or friend who could have been beneficial to us later in so many ways.

Not everyone appreciates this. A friend of mine told me of a lawyer that “never loses”. He is sinfully aggressive and aims to bulldoze the other side into submission. My friend once asked him, “Don’t you realize that you make enemies by being so aggressive? Don’t you realize that some of the people you oppose in court today, may one day have been able to do business with you, but won’t because of the way you treated them.” Ironically, the man responded, “I’ll burn that bridge when I come to it.”

Similarly, at one point I was learning in a certain yeshiva where a fellow student commented that he really doesn’t care much for maintaining good relationships with his chavrusos (study partners). “Even if every single one ‘bottoms out’ every single semester there are still enough students in the yeshiva to keep me well paired for many years.”

Conversely, I know a man who works in customer service and sometimes finds unhappy people screaming at him with complaints. He likes to say to them, “I can see that you are upset. But if you calm down and tell me why you are upset, I can try to help you. In fact, I can help you faster, easier, and better, if we do this calmly. You’ll feel good that we resolved this. I’ll feel good that we resolved this. You want to try?”

Compromise doesn’t always mean to give up money. Sometimes it simply means to have the patience to listen to another person’s perspective. This is especially true in social settings where we may have every legal right to conduct ourselves as we wish, but if we desire to maintain friendships, we might at times need to hear another person’s version of what transpired. When we do we become real winners: Winners in that we get to keep a friend instead of losing them.

© 2015 by TEACH613™