I can’t change the past…

by Rabbi Mordechai Rhine

The loss of Ahron’s sons was a great one. It was on the inauguration day of the Mishkan, a day of celebration, that Nadav and Avihu, caught up in the spiritual potential of the day, entered the holy area of the Mishkan without authorization. As a result, Hashem took their lives. The verse describes Ahron’s reaction as, “Vayidom Ahron,” Ahron was silent. Indeed, the Divine directive was that Ahron was to continue serving in the Mishkan- business as usual- while the loss would be mourned by the rest of the Jewish people.

Yet, one would expect some sort of Divine communication to Ahron regarding the loss. Indeed, immediately after the loss, Hashem instructs Ahron that intoxication is not compatible with service in G-d’s Sanctuary. As the commentaries explain it: Service in the Mishkan must not be the result of artificial stimuli or impulsiveness. Rather, it will be through calculated spiritual growth and level headed service that the Kohanim in the Mishkan would get to serve Hashem.

In this week’s Parsha, Acharei Mos, we read of the communication that completes this theme. It will be on Yom Kippur (the holiest day of the year) that the Kohein Gadol (the holiest person) will enter the Kodesh Kodashim (the holiest place in the world). In this way, Hashem provided clear guidance as to how Ahron can proceed and fulfill the goal of actualizing the highest form of service in the Mishkan. It would be through a specific protocol, planned and actualized, that such spiritual heights would be achieved.

The loss of Ahron’s sons could very well have been a game-changer in the relationship with Hashem and in the spiritual aspirations of the Jewish people. One witnessing such an event, could easily conclude (as a portion of the Jewish people would later express it in Bamidbar 17:28), “Is there to be no end to the death.” Indeed, it is noteworthy that Hashem does not enter into dialogue to discuss or explain the loss. What is done is done. People will come to terms with the past however they come to terms with it. In Aharon’s case, he accepted the divine judgment with an awareness that “All His ways are just.” What is left to work through is the future. In Ahron’s case, given that his two sons died trying to enter great spiritual heights…What indeed is the correct and incorrect way to pursue great spiritual heights in the Mishkan?

Although the storyline described is of Ahron and his relationship with Hashem, I believe that this basic approach can be used whenever there is a fallout between people. Two people, who might have never seen each other before some incident, are now sorting out an incident of damage that occurred, and they are embroiled in conflict. Or, two people might have previously had an intensely close relationship (perhaps even as close as husband and wife), but now they have broken up, and are looking to create a new relationship, with new boundaries. In at least one form of conflict resolution- known as mediation- we do not strive to debate the incident or situation. Instead we may examine the incident or situation only in the context of moving forward. “I cannot change the past,” is an important message. “But I can examine the past, and see what needs to happen to enable each person to be given the very best chance at a bright future.” Sometimes a good footing for the future requires some financial consideration, sometimes an apology, and sometimes the simple opportunity to express one’s self and feel heard.  No matter. Whatever it takes to help each party move forward is to be considered. But we do not strive to debate the past as an incident, or as a situation.

The relationship of Ahron and Hashem is unique and hard to parallel. Yet, the basic principle of forward thinking is an important one. In the aftermath of his sons losing their lives while striving for spiritual greatness, Ahron doesn’t need to cross-examine G-d. But, he may possibly need to be reassured that spiritual heights are attainable. He does need to be given guidance as to what approach will work, and what won’t work, in trying to achieve those spiritual heights.

Similarly in relationships, it may prove futile to debate what foolishness caused the damage or the fallout. It is far more important to recognize the problem, and be able to deal with its ramifications. One who dwells on the debate will most probably become bitter and continue to dwell on the problem indefinitely. One who focuses on the problem only as much as is necessary to move forward, will most probably be able to move forward.

In a good resolution, the main goal is not to be proven right. In a good resolution the main goal is that each party can find resolution, create new boundaries, and move forward. Moving forward is monumental. It enters into the deepest secrets of the human being, how we feel. And it enters into the deepest secrets of our potential, the possibility for resolution, and the serenity and ability to enter our own personal holy of holies.

© 2018 by TEACH613™